Icebound
by sqbr
Summary: If this is all they can have, then it's enough. An attempt to figure out what was going on in Yuuri and Victor's heads, ending happily post canon. There's a short flashback to Yuuri accidentally seeing Chris and Victor having non-romatic sex.
1. Chapter 1

So it was possible that Yuuri might have imagined Victor naked a few times.

It was only natural. Yuuri had grown up at a hot springs, he was used to admiring the naked male body in a dispassionate, objective way, as an object of aesthetic and scientific curiosity. And Victor was an admired athlete in Yuuri's field, a field whose effects could be seen on the body. Why wouldn't Yuuri have imagined how all those years of spins and jumps might have sculpted Victor's pale torso, what scars he might have on those long legs?

And, yes, perhaps some of this imagining may have, sometimes, involved Yuuri himself. After all, he needed a context for Victor to be naked, and what was more plausible than him visiting Yuuri's family's hot spring? And given that context, why wouldn't Yuuri then imagine the two of them bathing together? Why wouldn't he have thought about them comparing bodies, about Victor's long fingers guiding Yuuri's legs into position to show him new routines choreographed just for him?

That was all entirely natural and unremarkable.

But in all that imagining, he'd never thought he'd ever actually see Victor naked in real life. And absolutely _none_ of these imaginings had included _Christophe Giacometti_ being naked as well.

Yuuri quickly backed behind the corner of the wall he'd just innocently walked past. Had they seen him? They'd seemed pretty…distracted. Victor's eyes had definitely been closed, his expression…occupied. But had Chris's eyes been open? How could he be thinking of other things while he was doing _that_?

From the sounds coming from around the corner, they were still under the impression they were alone. Yuuri was safe. But for some reason he still felt awful, his heart wouldn't stop beating and he couldn't bring himself to leave.

What were they thinking? This was an out of the way part of the hotel, sure, but it was hardly private. Why not go back to their rooms, instead of exposing themselves on some random couch where anyone could come across them? What if Yuuri had been a member of the press? Or an innocent child? Not that many children were walking around the hotel at midnight, right now the hallways were the sole province of people in the throes of anxiety and…other feelings. But that wasn't the point!

Yuuri was so busy being annoyed that he almost didn't notice when the noises stopped. And he was standing in the only exit! He barely had time to duck into a doorway before Victor and Chris walked past him, their shirts half buttoned and faces flushed. Victor floated off towards the elevators with an airy wave, leaving Chris standing at the end of the hallway Yuuri was hiding in. Why wasn't he leaving?

And then, a moment after the door closed on Victor's sleepy, smiling face, Chris turned towards Yuuri. Yuuri shrank back as far as he could into the shadows. Christophe squinted against the light and then gave a satisfied hum as he got closer and could see Yuuri more clearly.

"Enjoy the show?" he said with a smile that dripped with sleaze. Oh God, did he think Yuuri was a peeping Tom?

"No!" said Yuuri. "That is…I'm sorry! I didn't mean to see anything! I was just walking around to calm my nerves, and then I, uh…"

Chris gave a shrug "Hey, the more the merrier," he said. "Yuuri Katsuki, right? Maybe you could join us next time. You're kind of cute. Just ask first, ok?"

"No!" squeaked Yuuri, way too loud. He didn't want to have sex with Chris! And he definitely couldn't have sex with Chris _and_ Victor. He didn't want to share Victor, if he had him to himself he'd…he'd… _that wasn't the point_.

Yuuri tried to calm himself down. "I mean…not that I think theres anything wrong with it! If you're in love then that's….beautiful, right? I hope you and Victor will be very happy together! I'm just…not…"

His voice petered out before he could say "interested in men". It was hard to ignore the image of a naked Victor in the throes of passion that had seared itself into the very bedrock of Yuuri's brain. His physical reaction was no disinterested appreciation of an athletic physique.

But that was gross. Yuuri didn't want to be like one of those creepy fans who ogled paparazzi shots of their idols in private moments. Obviously he was just happy for Chris and Victor. How… _nice_ that they'd found love. Together.

Chris chuckled. "Love? That's sweet but…no. We were just blowing off steam. Getting ourselves ready to tussle on the ice with some sexy tussling on the couch."

Blowing off steam? Was that a thing people did? It was apparently a thing _Victor_ did. With people.

Chris was set to stand on the Grand Prix final podium with Victor, was that what it took? If Yuuri managed to stand with Victor, would Victor be interested in him that way? Would it…help their skating? After all, Chris and Victor were both top skaters, obviously they knew what they were doing. It was ok to imagine this sort of thing if it was skating related, right?

Yuuri felt his face flush.

"Aw, I've embarrassed you," said Chris. "Look, if you'd rather wind yourself into a tight little ball walking around all night, that's ok! But _I'm_ going to sleep like an angel." He patted Yuuri on the cheek. "See you tomorrow."

Tomorrow. The Grand Prix. The reason Yuuri had been pacing the hotel in the first place. Yuuri's first and possibly last chance to stand on a podium with Victor. The thought filled Yuuri with even more anxiety than it had before, and it had led him to a great many sleepless nights.

Yuuri let Christophe head back to the elevators ahead of him and then made his own way slowly to bed. But his racing thoughts didn't leave him much room for sleep.

* * *

Yuuri had decided that there were two possible explanations for Victor's behaviour over the last few months:  
1) He had never hit on Yuuri. Everything: the touching, the affectionate glances, was all just him being a friendly coach.  
2) Victor had always been hitting on Yuuri, even when all he knew of Yuuri was that one video. Victor's interest in Yuuri was purely physical, the flirting had no romantic component and was just about getting into Yuuri's pants.

The first explanation was depressingly plausible. Sure, Victor seemed fond of Yuuri, and that was…that was great. And he certainly could be…unusually demonstrative about that affection. Yuuri couldn't imagine acting the way Victor did around him unless he was…well, he couldn't imagine doing it at all. But if he did, it would only be with someone he was really interested in. But Victor was not Yuuri.

The second explanation was even more depressing. Maybe Victor didn't even _like_ Yuuri, not as a person, he just thought he was hot. Which would be great if Yuuri was interested in casual sex! But unfortunately, Yuuri was more of a deep obsessive love sorta guy. Specifically, deep obsessive love for Victor, of the sort that would crush Yuuri's heart into tiny pieces if he let himself become Victor's friend with benefits. No matter how attractive the proposition might seem.

Given what he knew of Victor's history of casual sex with fellow skaters, the second explanation had been Yuuri's assumption at the start. Victor did have a reputation for being a playboy, after all, and as much as Yuuri admired him he was well aware that Victor's friendly persona could be self serving and insincere. But for all that Yuuri was prone to self doubt, he felt pretty sure at this point that Victor _did_ like him, that he genuinely enjoyed coaching Yuuri and cared about his well being. And it had been months, if he was just interested in sex there were plenty of other fish in the sea.

This led to a third possibility: that at some undefinable moment Victor's behaviour and feelings had changed. Either he'd switched from being innocent to being flirtatious or he'd switched from just wanting Yuuri for sex to being interested in a deeper relationship.

But that possibility felt too much like wishful thinking to consider for very long.

Yuuri sometimes wondered how his own behaviour appeared to Victor. Yuuri had rejected Victor's many advances (assuming they _were_ advances) so he was pretty sure Victor didn't think Yuuri was interested in him that way. The fact that Victor hadn't become more stand-offish as a result made Yuuri more sure that he'd never _really_ meant to hit on Yuuri in the first place. Victor had a lot of self confidence, but Yuuri couldn't imagine anyone keeping their spirits up in the face of that much rejection.

And then…there was the inconvenient fact that Yuuri _was_ interested. He'd been wanting Victor so long it hadn't felt like wanting, just the unquestioned nature of things, like wanting to breathe. He'd only recognised his attraction for what it was after being forced to consider Eros in the abstract. It was only after he'd learned what desire _was_ that he had realised how much of it he felt for Victor.

But even if, somehow, that desire was returned, there was no way he could ever act on it. By the time Yuuri realised how much he wanted to take Victor up on those ambiguous invitations it had been far too late. Yuuri's feelings for Victor might have started out as a mixture of professional admiration and shallow crush, but after working with him, knowing him for all this time they had grown into something more. Into a love Yuuri could barely contain, and could not express. He'd tried and couldn't even begin to get the words out. Every time he was paralysed by imagining Victor's reaction: at first laughter, then pity, and then guilt. And there'd be no going back from that, no hiding the giant gaping hole in his heart.

So Yuuri just acted like Victor _wasn't_ flirting with him, and pushed all his feelings onto the ice. He couldn't tell Victor he loved him as himself, so he poured it all into his routine. He couldn't just tell Victor he wanted to touch him, to be held, but he could hug him before competitions for good luck. That was enough. Victor was still his.

Maybe only for now. Maybe only as his coach. But that was enough.

* * *

Victor had kissed him.

Yuuri stared up at him, the cold of the ice against his cooling back nothing compared the the sensation of Victor's whole body lying on top of him, Victor's face close, so close… What was he…he couldn't even process it. Yuuri struggled to speak but was too consumed by shock.

Victor smiled and said "That was the only thing I could think of to surprise you more than you surprised me."

Oh. Victor had seen Yuuri's love and accepted it. Accepted it within the context of skating, but that was for the best. Right now, that was the only context where it could survive. One day Yuuri would be strong enough to express his feelings to Victor in full, but he wasn't quite there yet.

"Really?" said Yuuri, and then he smiled.

After dinner, Victor walked Yuuri back to his room. He was making small talk at high speed, babbling plans about the final in Spain. Was he nervous? Was he…did he want to kiss Yuuri again?

Did Yuuri want him to?

Just thinking about it made Yuuri's hands fumble at the lock. Maybe it was time to stop resisting what they both wanted.

Victor stayed at the door as Yuuri entered the room, still talking but not following Yuuri inside. Yuuri took off his shoes and socks and watched Victor rattle off opinions about the other skaters, waiting for Victor's momentum to run out so that he had to decide if he wanted to stay or go. Yuuri put his jacket on the hook and then pulled off his shirt: he felt sticky, but also he wanted to see what Victor's reaction would be.

Victor went visibly pink and his eyes became fixed on Yuuri's face, like he was trying really hard not to look down at Yuuri's naked chest. Good.

"So, I should let you sleep!" said Victor. "Since you apparently didn't manage to do it last night."

Yuuri leaned forward, grabbed Victor's tie, and pulled him into the room. Victor's eyes widened and his mouth opened slightly, like he was daring Yuuri to kiss it. Yuuri pushed the door closed with his other hand and pushed Victor against it before doing just that.

Victor made a sound of surprise. Was that good or bad? Yuuri didn't know how to express himself physically, not off the ice, and he couldn't put it into words. So he loosened his hold on Victor's tie and looked him in the eye. Victor looked down at him and smiled.

Victor pulled Yuuri into an embrace, his arms tight around him. Yuuri gently ran his hand over Victor's head. Victor nuzzled his head into the crook of Yuuri's neck and it was better than kissing, and that had been better than anything Yuuri had thought possible.

"Ah, Yuuri," said Victor, with an affection that made Yuuri's heart feel like it filled his whole chest. He sighed into Yuuri's shoulder.

"I…I want to kiss you again," said Yuuri. "But I'm not actually sure…how it works…"

It wasn't like Victor hadn't known that already, but it still felt awful to have to admit to his inexperience out loud. It felt like going back to his old self, the self who'd barely been able to look Victor in the eye let alone kiss him.

Victor squeezed Yuuri extra tight, then put his hands on Yuuri's shoulder, smile widened into a grin. He ran a long finger up Yuuri's face and gently placed his thumb on Yuuri's mouth, softly wiping the slight wetness across his lower lip. "Then I'll just have to teach you," he said.

Yuuri let out a small laugh, affectionate and embarrassed. But this was no good, he didn't want to feel like a blushing kohai, always passive and on the back foot. Yuuri tilted his head to the side and lowered his eyelashes. "Go on then," he said.

Victor's eyes widened. Yuuri smiled at him, eyes narrowed in challenge. Victor smiled back, eyes bright. _Challenge accepted_.

Victor stepped forward, so that Yuuri had to take a step back. "You began well," said Victor, his hands sliding from Yuuri's shoulders to cradle his head. "It is good to start with small, chaste kisses." He leaned his head down and gave Yuuri a small, light kiss. "But then…" He tilted his head and opened his lips slightly. Yuuri followed suit, and was rewarded with a softer, more intimate kiss and a small hum of approval from Victor. Yuuri felt the vibration in his own lips, felt Victor's saliva on his mouth. Felt Victor's arms around him, his back under Yuuri's fingers. They kissed again, and again, until Yuuri felt himself wobbling on his feet. It was almost too much, and they'd barely begun.

"Yuuri?" said Victor.

"Sorry," said Yuuri. "This is just…" He slowed his breath, took comfort in the safety he felt in Victor's arms. He pushed his fingers up into the hair at the nape of Victor's neck (so soft. As soft as he'd always imagined it) "But don't stop."

Victor looked down to Yuuri's lips and blushed slightly. His eyes were wide and dark. _He wants me_ thought Yuuri.

Yuuri kissed his slightly open mouth, still not sure what he was doing but needing Victor to be closer.

Victor's mouth opened further and Yuuri felt a soft pressure- Victor's tongue. Oh God. _Victor was inside him_. At first it was all he could do to keep his balance, but this was a dance like any other and he was going to learn it. He followed where Victor lead, gently gliding along teeth and lips, sucking and sliding and feeling like his body and Victor's were merging into a single strange being.

Suddenly Victor pulled away, panting.

"Oxygen," he said. "But…ahh…Yuuri…you…" His mouth was pink now, is eyes a little unfocussed. _I did that_ thought Yuuri.

Yuuri grabbed his tie and pulled him back closer. "I didn't say you could stop."

Victor let out a tiny involuntary groan. _You don't need oxygen when you've got me_ thought Yuuri and pulled Victor into another kiss. He didn't follow this time. He dominated, pushing his tongue into Victor's mouth and then pulling away just as Victor started to find his equilibrium. He kissed into the nape of Victor's neck and felt his teeth scrape against Victor's skin. He pushed Victor into the door again and felt Victor squirm and gasp, pushed up Victor's shirt and slid his hands up onto Victor's chest. Felt his smooth skin, rounded muscles, the light scratch of hair.

"There you are," said Victor, softly. Like he'd just been waiting for Yuuri to make this last step.

"How long have you wanted this?" said Yuuri. _How long have you wanted_ _ **me**_.

Victor's eyes widened and he let out a gasping laugh. "Did you really…not notice? Was I too subtle? Should I have have written _please fuck me_ on my chest after I got naked?"

"Oh," said Yuuri. Victor laughed again and Yuuri could feel tears prickling at the corners of his eyes. He couldn't let Victor see him crying! It would be too hard to explain, too intimate, too…too much.

He rested his head against the rumpled folds of Victor's shirt. So Victor really had been trying to get into his pants from the beginning. He obviously did care about Yuuri beyond that, now, but this was probably still just… _sex_ to him. Like Yuuri had always known, deep down.

Should he stop?

He didn't want to stop. He wanted to keep going, wanted to make Victor his in every way he could. It felt like letting go of a heavy weight to accept that this was all he could have. It was almost like a relief.

And there was a momentum to sex, base animal desires that pushed away thought. Yuuri could feel that momentum pulling at him now, surely if he could just give in to it he could stop worrying about what Victor felt, what Victor might do in the future, and just enjoy having him here, now.

Yuuri slowly moved one hand down Victor's chest, past his belly, feeling Victor's muscles twitch. He looked up as his hand reached below Victor's belt. Victor's eyes were closed, his hands loose on Yuuri's back, his expression reminiscent of the one he'd worn when Yuuri had seen him with Chris. _I'll make you forget all about Chris_ he thought.

Somehow. Despite not knowing what he was doing at _all_.

Victor's breath began to speed up, and Yuuri's did in turn as he saw the effect he was having on Victor. Yuuri started to undo Victor's belt, fingers tangling in the metal and leather.

"Yuuri," said Victor. Yuuri stilled. Had he done something wrong? "Are you sure you want to…" Yuuri replied by pushing into Victor, kissing him and rubbing against him so that neither of them could be in any doubt of their mutual desire.

Yuuri kept his body close and pulled his head back just far enough to talk. "Do you want me to stop," he said. It wasn't a question. It was another challenge.

"I want…a lot of things," said Victor, breathless. " _You_ amongst them. But we only just started…this. And I don't want to hurt you, or mess things up. You're important to me."

"But…but it's j-just sex," said Yuuri, voice weak. Victor wanted to protect him from pain, as if that were possible now. Yuuri loved him _so much_.

Victor's eyes became sad. Was that pity? Did he not believe Yuuri's sincerity? Was he going to make them stop, after they'd come so far?

Yuuri did his best to sound confident and cheerful. "You don't have to worry about me! I might…might not have done this stuff before, but I know not to read too much into it. We're…just friends, right?"

"Mmm," said Victor. He covered his mouth and rubbed his chin with one hand. He looked at Yuuri through his eyelashes in that way that made Yuuri feel like Victor could see all the way into his soul. _See me_ thought Yuuri. But then Victor turned his eyes away.

"So, part of me would…very much like to continue," he said. "And we _are_ …friends. But I am also your coach, and as your coach…I think you should go to bed." He put his hands on Yuuri's shoulders and then ever so gently pushed Yuuri backwards.

"If you insist," said Yuuri. He undid his pants and pulled them off, along with his underwear, before throwing them to the side. He sat himself on the edge of the bed, naked, and looked up at Victor. "Are you coming with me?"

Victor stared at him for a long moment. To Yuuri's satisfaction, his eyes flicked down to pass over the length of Yuuri's body before he managed to look back up to meet Yuuri's eyes. Yuuri had never thought of himself as especially good looking, but he seemed to fit the general shape of what was considered attractive in men, and he was increasingly sure that he fit the exact shape of what was attractive to Victor.

Just when Yuuri was wondering if he had taken things too far and he should apologise and let Victor leave, Victor took a step forward and sank to his knees in front of Yuuri. He put his hands on either side of Yuuri's, their fingers touching, and leaned forward and gave Yuuri a kiss, not gentle this time but hungry and needy. Yuuri kissed him back and they fell onto the bed, scrabbling up the sheet to find purchase while not wanting to let go of each other for a second. It felt like they were falling, holding on to each other as the wind whipped past and they plummeted towards something they couldn't escape.

Victor rolled himself on top of Yuuri, arms either side of his head. "Are you sure you want this?" he asked.

"I want you," said Yuuri, the words wrenched out of him and leaving him weak, the closest thing he had ever managed to a direct confession. He stared up at Victor, unable to move or speak. Victor stared back, short of breath, eyes wild.

"I know," he said, so softly he was almost inaudible. "I know." He leaned down and kissed Yuuri gently on the chest. Yuuri put his hand on Victor's head. Victor tilted his head to kiss Yuuri's palm. And then he started to kiss his way down Yuuri's torso.

Was he…but at last Yuuri's mind was being clouded enough by the fog of desire for him to stop worrying, to stop refusing what he wanted out of fear. He felt Victor's fingers trail up his leg, nails scratching light circles on his thigh, and then there was that oblivion Yuuri had hoped for, all thoughts and worries washed away.

Afterwards they kissed some more in bed, slow and unhurried. When Yuuri tried to tug again at Victor's belt Victor gently moved his hands away.

"Do you not like that sort of thing?" said Yuuri. That would be…strange. But he could accept it, as long as Victor wanted him most, to the extent that he wanted anyone.

Victor blinked at him. "Does _anyone_ not like that sort of thing?"

"Maybe?" said Yuuri. "But if it's not that, then why…"

Victor kissed his cheeks, under each eye. "What you need is sleep," he said. "You can return the favour another time, it's not important."

Not important. Like he'd just lent Yuuri 10 yen and would get it back from him 'another time'. Like none of this really meant anything.

"Will you stay?" _Stay mine forever_. But he couldn't ask that.

"Of course," said Victor. He pulled off his shirt at last and then laughed. "I seem to be doing this in the wrong order…"

Victor was warm and felt so, so good in Yuuri's arms. Yuuri had to stop himself squeezing Victor so tight he wouldn't be able to sleep. He settled for giving his shoulder a soft kiss. Victor responded with a small sound of satisfaction. Yuuri was so happy he thought he might cry.

* * *

Yuuri woke to the sensation of Victor sprawled over his chest, his stubble digging into Yuuri's skin. He'd never really thought about Victor having stubble but found it strangely endearing.

Victor woke slowly, nuzzling into Yuuri as Yuuri petted the top of his head. His hair was a mess, a tangle of gravity defying locks at all different angles surrounded by a halo of fine hairs that glistened silver in the dim light. It was even cuter than the usual smooth fall of hair. Victor rested his chin on Yuuri's chest to smile at him before sleepily rolling over onto his back. He stared up at the ceiling and then frowned ever so slightly.

"Victor…" said Yuuri, not sure what to say next.

"We should get breakfast!" said Victor. "I'll call room service." He sat up and then jumped off the bed and strode naked towards the phone.

"Thank you," said Yuuri.

"I need to eat too," said Victor, smiling.

"No, for…helping me blow off steam." Yuuri blushed and tried not to look away.

Victor's smile fell for a moment. Had that been the wrong thing to say? But then he smiled even wider than before. "Of course," he said, sunnily, hand clenched tight around the receiver. "Any time."


	2. Chapter 2

It would be nice to be able to say that it was love at first sight. That Victor had taken one look at Yuuri and gone _yes, that's it, that's the one_.

But that's really not how it happened.

For a start, Victor's _first_ sight of Yuuri had presumably been years ago, at some competition he was competing in and Victor had decided to watch. Yuuri said they'd both attended the 2014 Rostelecom Cup, but Victor didn't remember seeing him skate. He may have missed his performance entirely, busy drinking or flirting or practising his step sequences.

The first time Victor remembered _noticing_ Yuuri his first thought had been "Is he drunk?" accompanied by a hope that something amusing might happen. That hope had grown into surprised joy as this vaguely familiar Japanese guy managed to drag little Yuri into a _dance competition_.

Victor had definitely felt _something_ when he'd been drawn into the dancing himself, when Yuuri held his face and smiled, when this guy he barely knew asked him to throw away everything to move to Japan. Attraction, he recognised. Surprise. Excitement. Like the tiniest sliver of light shining through a slightly opened door, hinting at unimaginable things just out of sight.

But not love. That had come later.

* * *

Victor enjoyed surprising people. There was nothing like poking someone in a place they didn't expect and seeing what happened next. Until recently it had been one of his few sources of real joy.

The look on Yuuri's face when he booked them a double room had been _priceless_. And Victor's excuse that it would help him make sure Yuuri got some sleep wasn't an actual lie. Yuuri had fallen into a jetlag fuelled nap the moment they got the room, so it had even worked. Of course the real trick would be stopping him from staying up all night worrying once he woke from his nap. Victor should get back to the room and check on him.

But first he had to drag himself out of the pool. It was cold out there. And waiting in the room was Yuuri, with all his anxieties and expectations. What did he want from Victor? What did he need? Every time Victor thought he understood where Yuuri was coming from he blindsided him. It was exhilerating and terrifying. He wasn't use to being the one who was constantly surprised.

"You look tense, Victor," said Chris. "Worried I'm going to win?"

"Worried about getting frostbite," said Victor, "From all the posing you made me do in the cold air."

But it had been fun. Being with Chris made Victor think wistfully back to their past as fellow competitors. Life had been simpler then. Emptier, but simpler. Just skating, nothing but the ice. Now Victor felt like he didn't have room in his head for all his thoughts, it was like he'd taken off a pair of sunglasses and was still blinking in the bright lights and vivid colours of the real world. Part of him still missed his old life, but there was no going back.

"I'm sure Yuuri will warm you up," said Chris, with a mild grimace. He obviously missed the old days too, though he seemed to have come to terms with Victor's retirement at last.

"Mmm," said Victor, unable to think of anything clever to say. Thinking about Yuuri. Feeling…bad? Why did he feel bad? Thinking about Yuuri usually made Victor feel great. Confused and overwhelmed, yes. But great. Yuuri was so beautiful, so _there_ , always pulling Victor towards something new. It was a dance between them, this…thing they had. Victor didn't know how to put it into words, and any time he tried Yuuri always brought it back to the ice, to skating. To the shared love that had brought them together. But he'd shared skating with Chris, with Yuri, with Yakov, and it hadn't been like this. Hadn't made his heart lift every time he'd seen their face. Hadn't made him feel _loved._

It hadn't made him afraid, either. Until now, he hadn't cared enough about anything to fear losing it.

"Sounds nice, actually," said Chris. "Should I join you?"

Victor laughed. He thought back to the last time he and Yuuri had had sex, sharing Victor's bed in the hot springs banquet room and trying not to make too much noise. Yuuri had held Victor down and said he was going to make him forget he'd ever been with anyone else. Which, while incredibly hot, suggested that Yuuri _might_ be the jealous type. And given how uptight and competitive he could be about skating, two nights before the final he would need…

Ah. He would need to feel like he had his coach's full attention.

So close to a competition, Victor had to think like a coach not just on the ice, but all the time. And as Yuuri's coach Victor was very aware of how much Yuuri needed distraction and support.

Victor was a pretty big fan of having sex with Yuuri, even if it sometimes left him oddly melancholy. But the idea of having sex _as his coach_ made Victor feel sick to his stomach. Partly because of all that consent stuff everyone had made a big deal about back when he'd been a pretty teenage boy working with attractive older men. But mainly because he wanted what he and Yuuri had to be about more than that. About more than just skating.

Victor thought back darkly to his goals when he'd left Russia for Japan. Become Yuuri's coach: done. Get laid: done. Help Yuuri achieve his potential: Looking good. His past self would be overjoyed. But his past self hadn't believed in anything _more_ than skating. Now that he actually _knew_ Yuuri, now that he'd started yearning for things he couldn't put into words…

"Chris…" said Victor. "Do you…" _Do you ever feel like this isn't enough?_. Except for Chris, it _was_ enough. As far as Victor could tell, his smiles weren't hollow the way Victor's had been. There might come a day when, like Victor, Chris would find the ice was no longer enough to satisfy him, but it hadn't happened yet. Victor wasn't sure if he envied him. "Do you want to see the look on Yuuri's face if I bring you back to the room?"

* * *

Victor opened the door from the bathroom to see Chris snuggled up to Yuuri on the bed in a way he probably thought was respecting Yuuri's personal space. Yuuri had pulled in his hands and feet to make himself an isolated ball, though he didn't look like he seriously minded. Seeing the two of them together, Victor might have expected his fondness for Chris to feel weaker than it had by the pool, like trying to make out a torch next to a floodlight. But it just made Victor feel more affection for them both, these two men who'd given him inspiration and companionship at different points in his journey.

"So shy, Victor!" said Chris, gesturing towards Victor's robe. "Nothing we haven't all seen before, eh Yuuri?"

"Perhaps, but it's cold," laughed Victor lightly, watching for Yuuri's reaction. Victor and Chris hadn't been super secretive about their relationship, such as it was, but it hadn't been common knowledge.

But Yuuri didn't look jealous or surprised. He looked _embarassed_. Because Chris knew _he'd_ seen Victor naked? Shared bedroom aside, the hotpot picture had been all over twitter, it was hardly…

"Ohhh," said Chris. "So you never told Victor about last year's Grand Prix, hmm?"

Something _else_ had happened at last year's Grand Prix? It didn't sound like anything to do with Yuuri's meltdown. Something to do with the banquet, then? Or…Victor gasped. "Oh my goodness, did you two hook up?!" Both pairs of eyes opened in surprise. "Wait, no, that…"

"Nothing happened between me and Chris!" said Yuuri, quickly. Desperately. Like he was worried _Victor_ would be jealous.

And actually, maybe he was, a little. Not because Yuuri might have been involved with Chris, but because Chris knew something about Yuuri that Victor didn't. Victor leaned against the doorframe. "So then…?"

Yuuri just made a sad choking sound and Chris laughed.

"Hmmm…I think I'll leave Yuuri to explain it to you," said Chris, watching the two of them. "I get the feeling you two need to talk to each other more." He had that right. But it was easier said than done. "Night, Yuuri." Chris leaned towards Yuuri to give him a goodnight kiss.

Yuuri leaned back, away from Chris's pouting lips. "Good night Chris," he said firmly.

Chris patted him on the cheek and hopped to his feet before walking to the bathroom door and leaning in to give Victor a goodnight kiss instead. Being a gentleman, Victor accepted. Chris's cheek was cool but smelled familiar above the tang of chlorine.

"Good night, Chris," said Victor, cheerfully.

"Sleep well you two," said Chris, "I'll see you tomorrow." And then he left, closing the door behind him.

Victor flopped into bed in the space Chris had left behind only to shudder and sit back up. It was warm, but damp. "Ugh," he said, getting up. "Let's use the other bed."

"You're the one that got it wet," said Yuuri, reaching over on his knees to pull back the covers on the unused bed.

"I'm also the one who got us two beds," said Victor. He flopped next to Yuuri again. Mmm, cold but dry. And they could do something about the cold. He pulled the covers on top of them and snuggled up next to Yuuri.

"So what's this about last year?" he said with an attentive smile.

"It's not what Chris made it sound like," said Yuuri, looking embarassed.

"So what is it?" Except, wow, Yuuri looked really distressed. Maybe this wasn't a _fun_ story. "You don't have to…" started Victor.

"No, I should. I want to."

Victor rested his head on the pillow and waited.

"So I swear I wasn't stalking you," said Yuuri. "And I'm really sorry."

Um?

Yuri was sitting up, curled into an even tighter ball than he had been to get away from Chris. "I had insomnia," he said slowly, "So I was walking around the hotel, and it turned out you and Chris were also, um…awake, and…" His voice got faster, more nervous. "I really didn't mean to see anything, and I know I should have left but I…I"

Suddenly Victor remembered. The couch! It had been unpleasantly scratchy, he'd had raw patches under his costume the next day. Not that that had stopped him from winning gold.

But what did Yuri mean by _I should have left_ …"Oh my God, you watched Chris and I _fucking_?!" Victor was genuinely shocked. It took a lot to shock him, but Yuuri kept managing it somehow. So much for Yuuri being _jealous_ of him and Chris.

Yuri shook his hands in denial, his face bright red. "No! No! I hid! I hid and didn't watch, I just…didn't leave." His voice became very small. "I don't know why."

"So you just listened? Wow." Yuuri had covered his face in his hands. He looked so upset Victor couldn't stay mad, even though he'd managed to cross one of Victor's few personal boundaries about that sort of thing. "Maybe I should have had Chris stay, I never realised you had a crush on him." Ok, maybe he was still a little mad.

"I don't have a crush on Chris!" said Yuuri. "I only…I'm so sorry. I'm such a weirdo."

"Just _ask_ next time," said Victor. As if there would ever be a next time. As if he could even imagine himself with anyone but Yuuri.

"That's what Chris said," said Yuuri mournfully.

"Oh, so you told _him_?"

"No, he was just there, after you'd gone! He noticed me, and he was…nice about it, I guess. And then we never talked about it again until now."

"Huh," said Victor. Chris had probably kept it to himself to avoid embarassing Yuuri, he could be kind like that sometimes. How would Victor have reacted if _he'd_ been the one to notice Yuuri? He'd barely known who he was until the banquet a few nights later. "Wait. Does this have something to do with you…"

"It doesn't have anything to do with anything!" cried Yuri. "I'm sorry! I just…can we discuss something else?"

"Alright," said Victor, reluctantly.

"Thank you," said Yuri. "I'm sorry." He lay back and closed his eyes. He looked so tired. Now Victor just wanted to take care of him. What should he do? Another topic, ok then…

The obvious choice was the upcoming skate but that would be a bad idea. "Is there anything you want to see while we're in Barcelona?"

"I promised Phichit I'd see the Sagrada Família with him today," said Yuuri, opening his eyes to stare at the ceiling. "But I just stayed in the room sleeping and feeling depressed, so he went without me."

Good topic choice, Victor.

"He took some cool photos though," said Yuuri, managing to pull himself out of his funk before Victor had to think of something to say. "Everyone took cool photos today. It was fun looking at them." Including Victor and Chris, huh? Victor felt a strange feeling, like…annoyance. At Chris. For being sexy? Victor had never found that annoying before. Was _he_ the jealous one after all? Yuuri rolled over and tentatively put his hand on Victor's chest. Just the light touch was enough to make Victor's skin tingle and his heart rate increase. "But…but I'm glad you're here now."

Victor put his arm over Yuuri and they snuggled closer, the warmth of Yuuri's body making Victor feel safe and sleepy. He hoped he made Yuuri feel the same.

"Me too," said Victor. Yuuri smiled and kissed him, then lay against him.

"What about you?" said Yuuri, his voice a gentle vibration on Victor's chest. "Is there anything you want to see in Barcelona? You've been here before, right?"

"A few times," said Victor. "But not at this time of year, and I hear the Christmas markets are cool."

"Then we'll have to go to them," said Yuuri. "And the Passeig de Gràcia, too." Yuuri wanted to go shopping? Or did he just want to take Victor shopping, because he knew he liked it? It would be fun either way. Maybe he could finally get Yuuri a sexier suit.

"Of course," said Victor. "But first the Sagrada Família. I bet we can take a better selfie than Phichit."

"A better selfie than _Phichit_?" Yuuri snickered into Victor's chest. "A gold medal is one thing, Victor, but don't ask the impossible." Hearing Yuuri able to laugh about his chances of winning made Victor's heart lighter.

"I believe in you," said Victor.

"Then I believe in us," said Yuuri. "We'll take the best selfie ever."

Eventually Yuuri turned out the light and closed his eyes. Victor felt his breath slow down and his body relax. In the sudden darkness, Victor could no longer make out the details of Yuuri's head, but he still kept his eyes open a few moments longer before he joined him in sleep.

* * *

There had been no single moment of clarity, no unambiguous declaration, just an increasing closeness as the months went on, a series of moments adding up to an undeniable whole. _Victor cares for me. I am important to Victor._ Whatever happened next, Yuuri would have a reminder that for a while, Victor had been his.

And now Victor had pulled off his ring. He'd pulled it off and it was like the universe was broken.

Victor held the ring towards Yuuri, eyes cold but still damp and reddened. "I thought…why did you even give me this. Should I give it back?"

 _Don't you love me?_

"No!" said Yuuri. Shaking, he pushed Victor's hand away, back towards the other hand. The one with the empty finger. "I want you to keep it. I want you…to always keep it. I will always keep mine."

 _I'm doing this because I love you._

Yuuri still…he still wasn't sure how Victor felt about him. Wasn't sure _Victor_ was sure. But Victor _had_ to know Yuuri loved him. He might even have _always_ known. Whether or not he truly returned that love, Victor had accepted it, had given Yuri a taste of happiness he'd never thought was within his grasp. Why couldn't Victor see that this was as much as a declaration of love as everything else?

"While you go off and do what?" said Victor. "Become a coach yourself?"

"I don't know," said Yuuri. He'd had months to think about this after last year's Grand Prix, and he was as much at a loss now as he had been then. "I don't know what I am off the ice. But I can't…I can't watch you live without skating."

"Well I can't watch you live without it either!" said Victor. "Even if I'm not your coach…Yuuri, you can't retire. You've barely gotten started. There's so much more you could do."

"Me? What about you? Victor, I saw how you watched the other skaters yesterday. I could see you improving their routines in your head, coming up with new and better ones. I want to see those routines. I want to see you skate them."

Victor frowned and looked guilty, like he'd been caught cheating.

"Please, be honest about your feelings. Can you really say you haven't…"

Victor's anger usually burned cold and calm, but now his face was red and his voice cracked with emotion. " _You're_ telling me to be _honest about my feelings_? So this is really just a good luck charm to you, is it? I was always just your coach?"

Now it was Yuuri's turn to feel guilty. He'd always found it easier to express his love on the ice. He'd hoped that would be enough, somehow. "You were my Victor," he said. "And I want you to stay…you. I thought you could do that with me, but…"

But somehow it had always ended up being what Yuuri wanted. What Yuuri decided. What Yuuri needed. Of course it had turned out to be _Yuuri_ who'd first suggested Victor become his coach. He'd been the one calling the shots the whole time, even if it had taken him a while to see it. And if Victor didn't have the strength to see this was killing him, then Yuuri would have to be the one to end things.

He waited for Victor to see it too.

"I do miss the ice," said Victor, at last, in a small voice. "I love…I love coaching you, but I…"

"It's ok," said Yuuri.

Victor looked small against the window, the hair on his head glowing in the lights of Barcelona. "But to be there, without you…"

"You did it before."

"And I don't want to go back to that! Don't you understand?" His eyes were wild and afraid. Afraid of being alone. Yuuri felt that fear too. Was almost paralysed by it. But better to be alone than keep the one he loved by his side only to destroy him.

Yuuri moved closer, barely stable on the edge of the bed. "Neither of us will go back to the people we were before. We can't. But we can't stay like this, either."

Victor didn't reply. Because he knew it was true.

Now that Victor was free of him, Yuuri felt able to think more clearly about himself. "Victor," he said slowly. "Maybe you're right. Maybe I can keep skating, even without you as my coach. I'll think about it. But you need to think about what you want too."

Victor just reached for him then, silently. They held hands and didn't let go for a long time.

* * *

Eventually they had to move. The crowd was leaving, there were press wanting interviews, friends and family wanting to offer congratulations. But they kept holding hands, not even on purpose, just brushing fingers to feel the connection every time they got close enough to touch.

When they got to the room Yuuri pinned Victor to the wall so hard he bit his tongue. Victor barely noticed, the shock of pain a footnote to the overwhelming sensation of Yuuri pressed up against him, with his forceful hands and needy mouth. And then _Yuuri_ noticed and started stammering out apologies, which was much less enjoyable, so Victor grabbed his shoulders and pushed him down onto the bed. He silenced Yuuri's concern with a kiss, sharing the tang of blood and sucking at Yuuri's lips until Yuuri kissed him back, all worries forgotten. He pulled at Yuuri's costume trying to reach his skin.

It was done. The Grand Prix was done, and Yuuri didn't win, but he also didn't _leave_. And now Victor had Yuuri _and_ skating? Somehow? Everyone thought he was crazy, and maybe he was, but he was going to do it anyway.

But he wasn't getting anywhere with Yuuri's jacket from this angle. Victor sat up onto his heels and Yuuri was watching him with that _look_ , the look that had broken Victor's record, that always froze Victor in place and demanded his whole attention. Yuuri started undoing Victor's buttons and Victor's hands stilled. Yuuri smiled and Victor felt like he was melting, like he wasn't a person any more, just light and thought, just the connection between them. How was Yuuri so beautiful? Victor took Yuuri's right hand and kissed it, the edge of the ring a hard line against Victor's lips.

He thought about the other night. How uncertain he'd felt then about the rings, about Yuuri, about everything. He didn't want to feel that way again.

"Yuuri," said Victor. "You said, I wasn't your coach, I was your _Victor_."

"Yes," said Yuuri, left hand teasing at Victor's belly, still watching him with those _eyes_.

Focus, Victor.

Victor ran his thumb over Yuuri's fingers. "But now…I will be your coach and your rival. Two different Victors, with different goals. How will I know what to be to you when we're off the ice?"

"You should be Victor," said Yuuri, a little more uncertain now, but still relaxed and happy beneath Victor. And still so beautiful.

"You act like I know who that is," said Victor. _I need you to tell me_.

"Victor…" said Yuuri, softly, affectionately. It just stiffened Victor's resolve. He could do this. He could. Yuuri couldn't always be the only one pushing them forward.

"Change of plans," said Victor, sitting up straight and leaning more of his weight on Yuuri's hips. "Since you failed to get me a gold medal today, I'm not waiting for another one."

"What." Yuuri struggled to sit up but was stuck under Victor's weight. His eyes were big and worried. Sad. Maybe…like Victor's had been! When Yuuri had said 'let's end this' without warning!

Just because Victor adored Yuuri that didn't mean he was above being a little petty.

"We should organise the wedding for June," said Victor, casting an air of nonchalance over his roaring anxiety. "There's not much else happening around then. Maybe have two ceremonies, one in Japan and one in Russia. What do you think?"

Yuuri stopped struggling and flopped backwards onto the bed. "We can't…" His voice was weak, unbelieving. Yuuri looked at Victor like he was waiting for him to laugh. Like despite everything he couldn't believe that Victor really loved him. For his skating, yes. But for everything else, too.

"You don't want to?" said Victor. He felt his smile wobbling. His heart felt like it was in a vice. Was this how Yuuri felt all the time?

 _You told me to be honest about my emotions, Yuuri. Well, here I am._

Ok, strictly speaking he still hadn't actually _talked_ about his emotions, but it was _implied_. That had to be enough, didn't it?

Yuuri stared at him in silence, his breath speeding up, becoming uneven. He looked up at towards the ceiling, towards the sky, like he was asking for guidance. Did he really not know? Yuuri took in a gasping breath and breathed it out slowly. "Of course I want to!" he said. Like it was obvious. Like Victor hadn't felt like he was going to die of uncertainty.

"Oh good," said Victor, weakly. Yuuri pulled him down into a tight embrace and Victor let himself be held.

"I'm going to hold onto you forever," said Yuuri. That sounded pretty good. And then Yuuri was kissing him, hands strong on his face, the metal of Yuuri's ring, his _engagement_ ring, a smooth pressure on his cheek.

After a while Victor noticed that his cheeks were wet. He rolled over to give Yuuri space to breath and wipe his eyes. "Sorry," said Yuuri. "I'm just so happy."

Victor kissed his hand again, tasting the tears this time. He curled up next to Yuuri. A small part of him noted that he still hadn't taken off his shoes. There'd be time for that later.

"Now there'll be three Victors," said Victor into Yuri's shoulder. "Coach, competitor, and husband." Husband! He'd never thought he'd be one of those, or have one of his own. He liked the sound of it. They could get their own place, somewhere with a nice view, near a good rink and with lots of places to walk Maccachin.

"No," said Yuri, kissing the top of Victor's head. "You're still always you. And you're always mine."


End file.
